Jeremy Mohler

Writer and meditation teacher

The life-changing power of allowing yourself to be sad, angry, and afraid

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I recently bought marijuana for the first time in years, and on the way to the shop I was reminded of the power of mindfulness.

Playing in bands in my 20s, I used to get weed from a friend or bum off friends of friends. Drugs and alcohol were always just hanging around.

After it was decriminalized in D.C. in 2014, I began to wonder how to buy it. A friend told me, while shops can’t sell directly, they skirt the law by giving it away as a “free gift” with the purchase of merchandise, like a t-shirt. Supposedly, shops are routinely raided by the police.

Walking through the Columbia Heights bustle, anxious thoughts raced through my mind: what if the shop gets busted when I’m there? What if a cop sees me leaving?

Then came ego: I’ve got this. There’s nothing to be afraid of.

Then came self-judgement: why am I afraid of buying pot at 33 years old? Why am I smoking again? When am I going to grow up?

Then came logic: I’m a college-educated, white, heterosexual, cisgender man. Cops don’t care about me.

None of the self-talk helped. My shoulders and stomach were still tense. I still felt a little claustrophobic and off-kilter. I wasn’t going to talk my way out feeling anxious.

But then I remembered a story the spiritual teacher David Deida tells about his own teacher feeling jealous at a party. Deida sees the teacher’s wife across the room enjoying a conversation with an attractive man and asks his teacher, “Aren’t you jealous?”

His teacher responds, “Yes, but the fact that I’m jealous isn’t bothering me.”

In other words, the teacher was aware of how he was relating to his jealousy. Instead of making it a problem, he was allowing it to just be.

Mindfulness is often associated with focus and paying attention. But it also involves accepting rather than resisting what’s happening inside of us.

We often deny, ignore, or repress emotions we don’t want to experience. The mind tries to calm us down by telling stories (There’s nothing to be afraid of).

But think about what makes you feel better when you’re sad or afraid. It’s when your partner or friend or relative gives you their undivided attention without giving advice or trying to change how you feel. When someone let’s you be yourself, with all your messy emotions. When someone just listens.

Once I acknowledged that I felt nervous and a little silly about buying pot at 33 years old, the tension in my body dissolved, and I saw it as yet another of life’s adventures.

Free meditation cheat sheet

I’ve come up with a cheat sheet to help you start and stick with a regular meditation practice. Get it for free here.

Listen to my podcast Meditation for the 99%

On Meditation for the 99%, I take meditation out of faraway monasteries,expensive retreat centers, and Corporate America, and bring it to work, relationships, and, especially, politics. Listen everywhere podcasts are available.

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Stop beating yourself up for not being closer to meeting your goals

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The last few months have skyrocketed my anxiety above normal levels. I’ve been applying to therapy graduate programs, and the combination of not knowing the outcome and likely having three years of school ahead of me (albeit, part-time) is testing my patience.

Thank God for meditation. The mindfulness it produces loosens me up enough to notice what’s going on inside of me. To stop distracting myself and running from thoughts and emotions, which only intensifies the anxiety. To pause instead of move. To feel instead of think, think, think, do, do, do.

Within the stress and tension, gratitude has been rearing its beautiful head. At times, limitless appreciation has washed over me—for meditation and everyone who’s inspired me to practice. For those who come to my classes. For you for reading this.

But this having patience thing might be my biggest test yet. Part of me wants to fall asleep and wake up three years from now a licensed therapist—to just get it over with. Another part of me knows the journey is the point, and the whole point of life.

I once heard about a boot camp training for Navy SEALs called “the box drill.” The former SEAL Eric Davis describes it like this:

They put you in the corner of the room and say you have as much time as you need to get to a doorway across the room. There are six people guarding the door. You try to fight your way through, but you get your ass kicked over and over again. Every few minutes, one of the people leaves the room. You keep trying to fight because you want to prove you’re tough. Finally, the last person leaves, and you walk through the door and they say you passed. You’re like, ‘What? I didn’t beat anybody.’ They’re like, ‘That wasn’t what this drill was about.’ What they’re doing is producing an experience where you realize you have all the time in the world.

Meditation is like the box drill. Out of habit, the mind keeps narrowing its attention to follow thoughts into the past or future. It spins stories that stir up emotions in the body, which it tries to escape by telling even more stories.

It’s when you let go and rest as awareness—as a neutral observe witnessing what’s going on inside of you—that a little bit of spaciousness appears.

Like being a Navy SEAL, this requires courage. Into that spaciousness you create—that mindfulness—anything can appear. Anything. That childhood memory you thought was locked away forever. That gut feeling that you’ve outgrown your job. That age-old fear of love.

Whatever appears—for me recently it’s been impatience—is just the next step in the journey. It’s your edge. And the hardest thing in life is sitting still at your edge and feeling its raw sensations—the tightness, the burning, the pain, the pleasure, the whatever.

It’s much, much easier to fantasize about the future or worry about the past. To beat yourself for not being further along in your journey. To try to fight to prove your tough or however you want to be perceived by other people.

As the Tibetan Buddhist teacher Chögyam Trungpa said, “Meet your edge and soften.”

Free meditation cheat sheet

I’ve come up with a cheat sheet to help you start and stick with a regular meditation practice. Get it for free here.

Listen to my podcast Meditation for the 99%

On Meditation for the 99%, I take meditation out of faraway monasteries,expensive retreat centers, and Corporate America, and bring it to work, relationships, and, especially, politics. Listen everywhere podcasts are available.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: Apple Podcasts | Android | Google Podcasts | RSS | More

Teaching meditation to socialists scared the hell out of me

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“Who am I?” I wondered, as 20 strangers closed their eyes and settled into chairs.

I knew who they were: socialists, my people — skeptical of capitalism; deeply disappointed by racism, sexism, and climate change; knowing there has to a better way to organize society.

But here I am teaching meditation instead of debating Marxism and the shortcomings of the Democratic Party.

As I began — ”find a posture halfway between relaxed and alert” — my stomach tied itself into a knot. I tried to breathe normally but my shoulders were shaking, making my voice sound higher.

I had spent the hour before denying I was a nervous wreck. Who tells socialists to care about themselves?

“Liberal.” “Bougie.” “Social justice warrior.” I could hear the call outs in my mind like they were tweets about a New York Times op-ed.

Thank God meditation teaches a response for anxiety and other overwhelming emotions.

Simply put: open to them.

Emotions are attached to stories, i.e., thoughts about the past or future. We usually either indulge the stories or run away from them. We follow them away from the present moment or distract ourselves with social media, alcohol, name your favorite distraction.

When you notice unhelpful stories, accept that they’re just what’s happening right now. They are real but not necessarily true. Let them go with the mind’s attention. Then, open to the present moment, to all it’s sights, smells, tastes, sounds, and feelings.

When we’re lost in thought, we close off to the rest of our experience, particularly if we’re overwhelmed.

“When we are stressed, our attention narrows and fixates, often into obsessive thinking, worry, and judgment,” writes meditation teacher Tara Brach.

This closing off shows up in the body as a clench — in the stomach, shoulders, hands, etc. — as if we’re bracing for something bad just around the corner.

Opening is allowing the tightness to just be and then feeling its raw sensations, it’s warmth, tingling, or pain — whatever it feels like.

Feeling emotions without coming up with stories to explain them takes some wind out of their sails. It lowers the emotional charge. It allows you to calm the body, putting you back in touch with your surroundings.

As soon as I didn’t see the knot in my stomach as a problem, it relaxed. I felt its serpentine grip loosen. I breathed deeply, feeling cool air fill the bottoms of my lungs. I started feeling like myself, who I always am no matter the circumstances, whomever I’m around.

Being mindful isn’t just about focusing more or directing your attention. It’s also about relaxing your attention so that you’re witnessing thoughts and emotions rather than being lost inside of them, whipped around by their every whim.

It’s about opening, allowing, and receiving — which enables you to respond rather than react to whatever or whomever you encounter.

Want to be more mindful?

I’ve come up with a cheat sheet to help you start and stick with a regular meditation practice. Get it for free here.

Meditation for the 99%

On Meditation for the 99%, I take meditation out of faraway monasteries, expensive retreat centers, and Corporate America, and bring it to work, relationships, and, especially, politics. Listen everywhere podcasts are available.

Photo credit: David Shankbone