Jeremy Mohler

Writer and meditation teacher

Why you should be resting rather than just vegging out

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If you’re like me, you feel a constant need to be doing, doing, doing. Working, improving, building, working out, consuming, investing, hustling, grinding.

The antidote to this anxiety is, go figure, not doing. Meditating, going for a walk, resting, doing yoga, journaling, making art. Doing anything that allows the mind to slow down and the body to relax.

Not vegging out watching Netflix. Not numbing out with a glass of wine. (Though, there’s nothing inherently wrong with doing either.)

Actually resting means relaxing the nervous system

Not doing is slowing the mind and relaxing the body enough to simply be with what’s actually happening in the moment. It’s getting out of your head and into sights, sounds, smells, tastes, and feelings. It’s living fully.

When the mind is slow and body relaxed, the nervous system — the connection between the brain and spine that manages stress — can calm down.

When the nervous system is calm, our heart rate eases and muscles relax even more. We’re less on edge and more in the moment. We experience the moment just as it is, not what our mind says it should be.

That’s why it’s important to have a daily practice of some kind. It might be 20 minutes of meditation in the morning or an aimless walk after lunch. (Research shows that spending 20 minutes outside three times a week has the greatest effect on reducing levels of the stress hormone cortisol.)

Even pausing and taking three deep breathes a few times a day can be enough to take the edge off.

The key is to stop doing. Put down the phone, notice the sounds around you, feel your feet on the ground, and soften your muscles — especially around your eyes, the back of your neck, and your abs.

Be with what is actually happening in the moment — not lost in thought about your to-do list or what so-and-so thinks of you.

Of course, your mind won’t stop thinking. You’re still going to worry about responding to that passive aggressive text or what to eat for dinner or how you’re going to make rent this month.

But instead of worrying yourself into more tension or distracting yourself in the ways you normally do, let go of doing.

Bring your attention back to how your breath feels and your feet on the ground. Let go, and then let go again. If you’re outside, notice the wind in the trees and the smell of flowers.

You have a hard time resting because of capitalism

I know it’s hard to not do. “We live in a culture that celebrates activity,” writes the Buddhist teacher Roshi Joan Halifax.

The public performance of busyness is how we demonstrate to one another that we are important. The more people see us tired, over-stretched, the more they think we must be somehow indispensable. That we matter.

In a capitalist society, a full-time job is required to survive — sometimes even two! Constant growth in the stock market and corporate profits is the number one priority.

We think we have to hustle to keep up. And we think that if we don’t keep up, we’ll be left behind to feel lonely, unhappy, and unfulfilled.

Because of all of this go-go-go energy, we feel anxiety about slowing down and not doing. But here’s the thing: Taking time to rest allows you to move through the rest of your day more effectively and with more intention.

Meditation not only reduces stress, but it also manages anxiety, boosts self-awareness, lengthens the attention span, reduces memory loss, and more. When we’re in nature, our brains enter a mode called “soft fascination,” which restores and builds the resources we need to think, create, process information, and execute tasks.

So, stop pretending that vegging out while watching Netflix and scrolling Instagram is relaxing.

In today’s distracted world, you actually have to put effort into getting enough rest. You have to actively not do.

Hi, I’m Jeremy, a writer, meditation teacher, and host of the Meditation for the 99% podcast. Subscribe to my weekly email on how to be more mindful at your job, in your relationships, and when it comes to politics here.

Download my free ebook on how mindfulness can decrease your anxiety and transform your life.

Photo by ☼☼Jo Zimny!☼☼.

Uncomfortable conversations will determine your life’s path. Here’s how to have them.

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The pandemic — despite its horror and injustice — has had a few silver linings, one of them being that it’s forced us to have more uncomfortable conversations.

About whom to allow into our homes unmasked or — now — unvaccinated. About expectations. About personal boundaries.

I met my girlfriend on a dating app in the heart of the pandemic winter. When we talked about masks and social distancing for our first date, it felt like we were talking about condoms and STDs.

My shoulders tensed and my breath shortened. I was self-conscious about not appearing too careful but also not too careless.

I really think those early conversations helped us get real with each other faster than we would have otherwise.

We were able to practice setting boundaries and advocating for our needs right off the bat. We’re now more prepared for higher stakes conversations like when to move in together and whether to get a dog when we do. (My vote is “yes,” and it should be the best kind of dog, a standard poodle!)

That’s why what Tim Ferriss wrote in his book The 4-Hour Workweek is so true:

A person’s success in life can be measured by the number of uncomfortable conversations he or she is willing to have.

I’m not a fan of the notion of “success” — especially in our hyper-individualist capitalist society. But Ferriss’s point is that we grow substantially from the conversations we’d rather avoid.

Why we avoid uncomfortable conversations

Asking for a raise. Telling your partner what you want in bed. Being with someone who just lost their loved one. Confronting someone about their alcohol or drug use. Discussing STDs on a date. These types of conversations are going to bring up discomfort.

They’re going to trigger emotions like fear and anger. They’re going to put your body into fight-flight-freeze mode, pumping your nervous system with stress hormones, like you’re a prehistoric human facing down a saber-toothed tiger.

No wonder we duck and dodge them at all costs.

We people-please, trying to make someone give us what we want without us having to ask. We repress how we really feel until our resentment leaks out in little, petty, passive-aggressive ways. We blame and shame others for how we feel.

The common denominator is manipulation. We want people to feel a certain way about us. But we’d feel too much discomfort if we just said how we feel and named our needs outright.

We feel discomfort revealing our emotions because growing up we were told things like, “Man up. Boys don’t cry.” Or, “Don’t be too assertive, they’ll think you’re a bitch.” Or, “Don’t be too loud, you might get hurt.” Or, “Just keep quiet and work hard, you’ll eventually get everything you ever wanted.”

What if you just said how you feel and that’s it?

That’s why the antidote to the discomfort is honesty. Radical honesty. Clear, simple, vulnerable honesty.

Just say how you feel. That’s it. “I feel lonely.” “I feel sad.” “I feel angry.” Leave it at that.

No “you always do this” or “you always do that.” No blaming. No manipulation. Just say how you feel and let the other person take it in.

Better yet, borrow a tactic from the conflict resolution strategy nonviolent communication. Point to something the person did: “When you did X, I felt X.”

Don’t say, “When you do X…” or “You’re always doing X…” That will trigger them into not hearing you. Name a particular thing they did and how it made you feel. “When you changed the topic of our conversation, I felt like I wasn’t being seen and heard.” “When you stayed out late with your friends, I felt jealous.”

That way, you’re owning your feelings. You’re not blaming the other person for how you feel. But you’re also naming a boundary. “When you did X…” You’re giving the other person the opportunity to change their behavior rather than assuming they won’t without your manipulation.

If that person really values their relationship with you, they will get the message. If they don’t, it might hurt, but at least you know how they really feel.

Becoming more honest in your relationships will feel uncomfortable. But that discomfort is nothing compared to the chronic tension of trying to manipulate others into giving you what you really want — which never actually works.

As the poet Yung Pueblo writes:

Your relationships improve drastically and the tension in your mind decreases significantly when you can simply accept people for who they are instead of fixating on how they should change or be more like you.

Hi, I’m Jeremy, a writer, meditation teacher, and host of the Meditation for the 99% podcast. Subscribe to my weekly email on how to be more mindful at your job, in your relationships, and when it comes to politics here.

Download my free ebook on how mindfulness can decrease your anxiety and transform your life.

Photo from PxHere.

No wonder you are anxious

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The life coach Katie Shannon (and fellow Baltimorean) recently wrote something on Instagram that made me stop scrolling and put my phone down.

“Anxiety is the price I pay for being my own higher power.”

I pay a high price for my anxiety. I’m almost always worried about something.

Most of the day, I’m either fretting about getting more work done. Or judging myself for having too little money or too much fat on my stomach. Or wishing I’d said something different. Or people-pleasing. Or craving something to numb out with, like caffeine, alcohol, weed, masturbation, or shitty TV.

There are times when I feel a relative peace, sure. When my body relaxes, and my mind’s chattering fades into the background. When what’s happening in the moment is more interesting than the content of my thoughts.

But only when I’m with the right person and they’re giving me the right sort of attention. Or when I’m traveling somewhere new and exciting. Or when I’m just drunk or high enough.

And that’s Shannon’s point. At least how I read it.

I don’t resonate with the concept of a “higher power.” So, I think of it as “something beyond myself.” Or simply, “connection.”

Anxiety shows up when we’ve lost connection and think we have to do something to get it back.

If we work a little longer, then we’ll feel fulfilled. If we drink another beer, then we’ll feel relaxed. If we post the perfect post on Instagram, then we’ll feel loved.

Like so many things, this all goes back to our first few years of life. To when we were a baby, dependent on our parents and other caregivers to care for our needs.

Somewhere along the way we lost trust that our needs would be taken care of. Which is inevitable. No parent can provide all of their child’s needs 24/7.

This childhood distrust carried forward into our adult lives and shows up in different ways for each of us.

Maybe you don’t trust in the natural unfolding of life. You‘re afraid you’ll be bored if you let things happen on their own.

Maybe you don’t trust in life’s natural abundance. You don’t believe that there’s enough love and connection for you.

Maybe you don’t trust in life’s natural perfection. You can’t see that everything is whole and complete even if it’s imperfect.

Maybe you don’t trust in life’s natural oneness. You don’t trust that everything is connected even if it appears separate.

The bottom line is you don’t trust that you are worthy of love, connection, and wholeness. So you feel you have make it happen for yourself.

The spiritual teacher A. H. Almaas writes:

You try to relax, you try to quiet your mind, you try to make yourself feel better or make yourself feel worse. You are always interfering, trying to make something happen other than what is actually happening. You can only do this if you believe you have your own separate world and you can make things in it happen the way you want, while really, it is not your choice at all. You are alive today not because you want to be, but because the universe wants you to be.

Side note: That’s what’s so fucking aggravating about this capitalist, patriarchal, white supremacist society we live in.

It runs on anxiety. It normalizes a frantic energy to always be doing. To always be working, investing, building your resume, starting a side hustle, buying things, grinding, working out, vacationing in beautiful places, doing, doing, doing.

And then on top of that, the rich and powerful use fear and anxiety to keep us at each other’s throats. They use racism, sexism, and other ways to divide people to keep us from blaming them (and the political and economic systems that benefit them) for our suffering.

Luckily, I’ve found a few practices that dial down my anxiety most of the time.

Meditating regularly. Going to therapy. Connecting with nature on walks and hikes. Learning about capitalism, patriarchy, and white supremacy. Organizing in my community and workplace. Helping out with mutual aid in my neighborhood. These things help me feel stable, fulfilled, and connected, not grasping as hard for the next distraction.

But it’s when I remember that I don’t have to do anything to be okay — that I don’t have to be “my own higher power” — that I feel a simple, basic peace that reminds of how connected with everything I truly am.

Hi, I’m Jeremy, a writer, meditation teacher, and host of the Meditation for the 99% podcast. Subscribe to my weekly email on how to be more mindful about your job, your relationships, and politics here.

Download my free ebook on how mindfulness can transform your life.

Photo by Mariana Zanatta.