Jeremy Mohler

Writer and meditation teacher

The power of facing your emotions rather than turning away

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I recently stumbled on an alternative translation of dukkha, the ancient Pali word from Buddhism usually translated as “suffering.” In The Trauma of Everyday Life, the psychiatrist Mark Epstein says it also means “hard to face.”

I like this phrase because it implies that we can turn towards the pain, as hard as that may be. One can even read it as saying: the more we turn away from pain, the more we suffer.

So much of life is hard to face. That you’ll eventually die. That who you love will die, possibly before you. That you might never be as rich and successful as you thought you’d be. That you might owe thousands of dollars in debt. That white supremacy and misogyny exist.

There’s also the small, seemingly inconsequential stuff. That you need to respond to that day-old email from your boss. That you need to tell your partner you’ve been feeling bored with the relationship. That you probably shouldn’t drink again tonight.

“Even pleasant experiences carry a whiff of dissatisfaction because of their inability to provide ultimate comfort,” Epstein writes. “No matter how fulfilling, they eventually run their course.”

Regular meditation practice is one way we can start to turn towards the pain.

Anyone who’s tried meditation even once knows: even when you’re doing nothing but sitting in silence, the mind creates suffering.

Our mind doesn’t stop telling stories about the past and future. It worries about tomorrow. It judges you. It questions what you’re doing with your life. Upwards of 80 percent of our thinking is negative, research shows.

Just like in a movie or novel, the mind’s storytelling creates emotions. Anxiety. Fear. Anger. Self-doubt. Sadness. Excitement.

These emotions cause the mind to create even more stories. It tries to find an answer for why you’re feeling overwhelmed, which often just adds more fuel to the fire.

The takeaway here is that the emotions inside of us are what’s hard to face, not life itself.

It’s not what your partner might say when you tell them you’re bored that’s hard to face. It’s the fear you feel about being out of control, about not knowing what they’ll say, about putting the relationship on the line.

Luckily, meditation is a practice. It doesn’t just leave you hanging with the emotion. It strengthens your ability to turn towards what’s hard to face inside of you.

During a meditation session, you begin to notice the raw sensations that accompany emotions. You feel the tension in your stomach that comes with, say, anxiety. You feel the clenching of the muscles. Instead of going off on another explanation for why you’re feeling anxious — another story — you learn to sit with the tension. You even get curious about it. You release the tension, opening into the uncharted territory of the present moment.

Then, one day, you find an inner courage that no one can take away.

“When we are willing to stay even a moment with uncomfortable energy, we gradually learn not to fear it, “ says American Buddhist teacher Pema Chödrön. “The only way out, so to speak, is through.”

I know. It sounds like hell. But along the way there are moments when it feels like you can face anything, both inside and outside. And those moments grow more often the more you meditate.

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Listen to the podcast version

I talked about this post on my podcast, Meditation for the 99%. Listen to it on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, and everywhere podcasts are available. Stream this episode below.

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Using social media mindfully is almost impossible — but here’s how to try

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There’s some truth to the sense that social media can feel like work.

Back in the 1970s, the communication researcher Dallas Smythe said that television doesn’t sell entertainment to the audience — it sells the audience to advertisers.

Just by watching television — and posting, liking, tweeting, etc. — we “work.” As in, we do what counts as work in a capitalist society: we produce something to be sold, in this case our attention.

That’s Silicon Valley’s entire business model: capturing our attention — and information — and turning it into a commodity.

Case in point: 98 percent of Facebook’s $16.9 billion in revenue during the last three months of 2018 came from advertising. A whopping 93 percent of that came from advertising on their mobile app.

No wonder we’re glued to our phones. Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg’s $400 grey t-shirts depend on it.

That’s all to say that using social media in a mindful way is almost impossible. A multibillion-dollar industry is invested in trying to distract you in increasingly seductive ways. Hell, a whole lifestyle is — Silicon Valley is reshaping the global economy.

Yet, short of a mass of people demanding that social media be a public good operated by and for the people, not profit, you should try. You’ll feel less scattered, restless, and stressed out because of it. You’ll also have a little more time for all that makes a good life off the screen: friends, new experiences, love, music, community, politics, etc.

What does a mindful relationship to Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, etc., look like?

It’s not about deleting apps, unfollowing toxic people, knowing the sources of the news you consume, etc. — though those can be useful tactics.

It’s about being in a mindful state before you even pick up the phone.

Then, when you find yourself unconsciously scrolling Instagram, you’ll almost automatically follow the four steps of mindfulness: notice that you’re glued to the screen, accept that you’ve lost control, let go of what you’re thinking, and open up to what you’re feeling in the present moment.

These happen to be the four “muscles” in the mind strengthened by regular mindfulness meditation. When a story about the past or future sweeps your mind away, the practice is to notice, accept, let go, and open up. And then do it again and again and again.

Noticing is seeing that you’re lost in thought. Accepting is avoiding the tendency to criticize yourself for not doing meditation “right.” Letting go is releasing the story. Opening up is noticing the feelings, sounds, smells, and tastes of the present moment, right here, right now.

The more you strengthen these “muscles,” the more you’ll be able to put down the phone in the moments that need your attention. The more you’ll be able to stay engaged on date night with your wife. The more you’ll be able to fully show up for your children. The more you’ll be able to listen to the voice inside of you that you know is telling the truth—about your job, relationship, etc.

Remember, it’s not your fault you’re almost always distracted. Your attention is a commodity in capitalism. Someone is selling it to someone else, and they’re constantly fighting for more of it, even while you’re on the clock working for someone else.

Want to be more mindful?

Sign up for my weekly email on meditation and how to be mindful about the stuff that matters most — work, relationships, and, especially, politics.

Listen to the podcast version

I talked about this post on my podcast, Meditation for the 99%. Listen to it on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, and everywhere podcasts are available. Stream this episode below.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: Apple Podcasts | Android | Google Podcasts | RSS | More

Beating yourself up inside isn’t helping

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Bring to mind a habit that you’d like to change. One that you often do unconsciously, without choice. It could be drinking, overeating, checking Facebook, or how you treat someone you love.

Really visualize yourself doing it. Imagine the sights, smells, tastes, and sounds.

How do you feel, right now, about this image of yourself pouring another glass of wine, or whatever it’s doing?

Odds are you’re feeling judgment, looking down on yourself.

It’s intuitive to think that being hard on yourself will help you stop a certain behavior. But self-judgment actually helps lock us into our habitual patterns.

I’m not talking rational thinking after the fact, like I need to stop drinking so much to be a better father. That’s very likely true. I’m talking about in the moment when we start following the habit.

Pouring another glass of wine or scrolling through Facebook is how we distract ourselves from an emotion we don’t want to feel, whether it’s restlessness, fear, loneliness, or anger. Self-judgment is a story that we add on top — it further distracts us from being present, open, and fully alive.

To break the cycle, what we really need is self-compassion. American Buddhist teacher Pema Chödrön calls it “unconditional acceptance of ourselves.” Once we stop being so hard on ourselves, we can start to implement strategies and tactics to change the habit we don’t like.

First, we need mindfulness, which gives us those rare openings to notice our self-judgment.

During a recent meditation retreat I learned just how fidgety and restless I can get when I can’t work on something or read or drive somewhere.

One of the great things about meditation retreats is that they take away all the ways you usually distract yourself.

Most of us spend our days jumping from one thing to the next, from breakfast to work to vegging out watching Netflix. We even fill the spaces in between — standing in line, sitting on the toilet, etc. — with email or Instagram or talking on the phone.

Retreat is no phone, no work, no books, no talking — nothing but meditation, sleep, and three meals a day.

This gives you the rare opportunity to observe rather than ignore what’s going on inside. What do you do with nowhere to be and nothing to do? What does your mind do when you’re bored? Who are you when you’re not a 3rd grade teacher or an app designer or a mother? Who are you when making money isn’t a priority?

The first morning on retreat, I sat in the kitchen downing cup after cup of coffee. I’m a caffeine addict, for sure, but I usually have one cup in the morning. Three cups in and my restlessness had morphed into anxiety with a piercing headache.

The next morning after my usual one cup, I decided to stay put and watch the restlessness. I felt a sort-of tunnel vision set in. My breath shortened. My shoulders and jaw tensed up. My mind thought, “A cup of coffee would be nice.”

Then there was a split second of self-judgment. I never would’ve seen it if I hadn’t slowed down to watch. A voice inside of me was talking as though I were someone else: there he goes again. He shouldn’t want more coffee. Look at him. He’s weak!

Self-judgment usually comes as a thought that includes the words should or shouldn’t, which exposes why it’s so toxic: we’re telling ourselves we’re not good enough. And when we don’t feel good enough, we lose self-esteem, becoming more prone to reacting out of habit rather than responding out of choice.

After about ten seconds, the voice faded and the urge fell away. My body relaxed and I began to think about whether I should use the bathroom before the next meditation period.

I’m still addicted to coffee, but this little “win” has given me the confidence to start to dial back my daily intake. Who knows what I’ll be able to take on next?

Ready to get serious about meditation?

Sign up for my weekly email on how to be mindful about the stuff that matters most — work, relationships, and, especially, politics.

Listen to the podcast version

I talked about this post on my podcast, Meditation for the 99%. Listen to it on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, and everywhere podcasts are available. Stream this episode below.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: Apple Podcasts | Android | Google Podcasts | RSS | More