My fingers hurt from texting and emailing this graph to all my dad friends and therapy clients:

As The Economist writes, “Millennials spend more time than past generations with their children.” But what jumps off the screen once you spot it is: Millennial dads in their mid-30s are spending about as much as or even slightly more time parenting than their boomer moms did. (Thanks, Kevin Maguire for sharing this!)

Yes, as the chart also shows, millennial moms are spending way more time parenting than past generations—and dads. No wonder so many women are burned out, angry, and demanding more help (and divorcing their husbands if they don’t step up). But it also makes sense that so many dads are stressed and exhausted too.

Subscribers to my other newsletter (Make Men Emotional Again) know I have a Paul Bunyan-sized axe to grind about household labor, a.k.a. parenting and chores. Doing all the “adulting” required these days on top of working a job is hard for everyone except the super-rich.

Yes, men in straight relationships should take responsibility for making sure the division of labor is fair. It’s on us to step up because women in general still shoulder way too much of the burden. But everyone who isn’t rich is working too many hours on the job and at home because our society is too unequal.

That graph (which is based on pre-pandemic, 2018 data, by the way) highlights how both moms and dads suffer in a society that says it values families but invests so little in supporting them. Spending time with our kids is a good thing. Our laws and policies should be aimed at helping parents do more of it.

But there’s only so much time in a day, and if we’re forced to work 40+ hours a week to pay the bills, on top of being a parent, no wonder nearly half of parents say that most days their stress is completely overwhelming.

There are so many reasons parenting feels hard right now. Increased pressure to get your kid into the best schools. Misconceptions that the world is more dangerous than ever. The pandemic, telework, social media, and the rise of “intensive parenting.” We need to address these issues.

But what could really release the pressure on parents is changing how society is organized. We need to be working fewer hours for someone else (for more or at least the same pay). We need paid parental leave, universal child care, and Medicare for All. We need neighborhoods redesigned for community, care, and connection, not work, isolation, and individual consumption.

In the meantime, I want burned out dads to know that your feelings are valid. You’re not crazy.

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