You probably wouldn’t expect this from a therapist who helps mostly (but not only) men, but sometimes outside of my therapy office, in real life, I get a little annoyed with other men.

It’s when they talk at me.

Women do it too sometimes. But mostly when it happens it’s a man telling me the structural integrity of some random construction material or a workout I should try or a movie I should watch or how AI works. Without me asking.

I get frustrated, but my face smiles and nods. Very few of the words they say get into my ears.

My main goal becomes to get out of the conversation. I can’t wait to step away and have a moment to myself, or find someone who likely can carry on a more connecting, more mutual, back-and-forth conversation.

I used to be confused in such one-sided conversations. I thought there was something weird or wrong with me for not being able to get along. But now I know it’s an issue that men tend to struggle with, including myself sometimes.

We struggle with a communication skill called attunement. Really tuning into how someone else is feeling. Listening closely. Being curious. Not trying to make them feel better by giving advice or trying to fix their problem. Trying to relate. Being with them in their experience. Even feeling a little of what they’re feeling ourselves. Being able to tell—feel—if they aren’t really taking in what we’re saying. Literally feeling with our body and nervous system how their body and nervous system are feeling—tense, calm, nervous, sad, afraid, high-energy, low-energy, or whatever.

I only know about attunement because I’m a therapist, and that’s what I do with my clients. I try not to give advice. I listen. I try to stay curious. I try to tune back in if I get distracted. Which is a lot to expect of anyone if they haven’t been trained and aren’t getting paid to do it.

But it’s so worth learning to do it at a basic level, especially as a man. It’s what made the feelings of loneliness and meaninglessness I’ve felt as far back as I can remember go away more than all the things I tried before. More than drinking or drugs. More than success in my career and trying to be more productive. More than meditation.

All those things are fine and at times helpful, but they don’t touch the satisfaction I get from deep relationship with others who really see and get me.

I might get annoyed at men who talk at me, but what I’m really angry about is men being lied to that we’re not supposed to be good at attunement.

In American society, parenting and other forms of “care work” are hyper-exploited, taken for granted. Women are trained to specialize in this work, to overly focus on other people’s needs, to be really good at attuning. They’re told that it’s their “natural,” “traditional” role. That they’re meant to freely offer it others—their husband, their kids, everyone—out of love.

Men are told to look down on this sort of relational work and the necessary human skills needed to be good at it, like attunement. We’re lied to that the human traits that help us connect and collaborate with others are “feminine.” Meaning, we shouldn’t be that way. And if we are, we’re like women, or gay (like that’s a bad thing).

I know I said I get annoyed, but if you’re not good at attunement, it’s not your fault. We were never taught how connect with others in an attuned way, and we’re being told a lie that we shouldn’t be good at it or want to do it. Like any skill—like going to the gym—we just need to practice.

Here’s a good start from my friend and surrogate partner therapist Risdon Roberts on practicing it in your existing relationships. You could also join a therapy group or at least a men’s group (let me know if you need helping finding one).

Learning how to better attune to your partner, friends, and other meaningful people will transform your life like nothing else.

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