As boys, men are taught to hide our true feelings. We get messages from adults and other boys that we could be emotionally or even physically hurt if we show vulnerability.

This fear gets deep into our nervous system. We act “cool, calm, and collected.” We try to be the “nice guy.” We try to come off as strong and tough. We avoid losing face. We try to control and dominate.

This leads to self-sabotage. We struggle to get really close with people—our partner, our friends, family—even if we really, really want to.

My experience as a therapist tells me these “traditional” masculine norms might seem like conscious choices men are making, but they’re actually our nervous system’s attempts to protect us from being wounded again. I also know that simply learning and thinking about them isn’t enough.

We need to practice. A lot. We need to allow our nervous system to open up to others and experience that relational conflict won’t kill us or at least get us hurt—over and over again. This will rewire our nervous system to see that vulnerability most often leads to more closeness and connection with others, not pain and disconnection.

I didn’t know what “repair” was until I joined a men’s therapy group years ago. I hadn’t heard of it—and I don’t think I’d ever actually done it.

Repair is the act of coming back together and finding connection and closeness again during or after a conflict. Legendary relationships researcher Dr. John Gottman says repair is “any statement or action that prevents negativity from escalating out of control.”

Sometimes it’s saying, “I’m not liking how this conversation is going, can we press pause?” Sometimes it’s apologizing. Sometimes it’s asking someone else to apologize. Sometimes it’s making a little silly joke to break the tension. Sometimes it’s checking in a week later to see how the other person feels about what happened.

I’m in another therapy group now, with both men and women. Every week we meet and talk about challenges in our lives. We try to support each other, but there’s often conflict. Someone doesn’t support someone else in the way they’re needing. What they say reminds that person of how their mom tries to make them feel better without actually truly hearing them.

We practice over and over again speaking as authentically and compassionately as we can. We clarify. We apologize. We joke. We repair. Sometimes it takes a few seconds. Other times, weeks.

This practice constantly bears fruit in my life. Awhile back, my friend and I were arguing about fantasy football, whether it makes more sense to draft running backs or wide receivers in the early rounds. I felt my body tensing up. I felt my voice getting louder. I felt the urge to try to dominate and shut him down.

But I also felt a deeper desire to not want to feel that way toward him. To not be arguing over something so silly and inconsequential. I felt my love for him.

Awkwardly, I said something like, “Hey, I’m feeling a lot of intensity between us right now, and I don’t like that.” It broke the tension. We apologized to each other and went back to being good friends watching football on a beautiful Sunday afternoon.

Before learning how to repair, I felt like I only had two options when it came to conflict: Either stand up for myself, be dominant and ready to fight, or be the “nice guy,” hide my true feelings, and “go with the flow.”

I love having more options now. I’m still working on it, but I’m getting more skilled by practicing every week in group therapy.

This is why men need to treat learning relational skills like going to the gym. Practice. Practice. Practice. And not to make other people happy. To make us happier. To help us feel closer with others.

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