There’s something about me I don’t like anyone knowing: I often feel unlikable.
Awkward, unfunny, too serious. The opposite of Matthew McConaughey or Idris Elba. Shy, introverted, a downer.
It gets triggered in big groups. Parties, shows before the band goes on, corner conversations with neighbors. Times you’re supposed to lighten up, make small talk, have a good time.
I’m shot back to my high school cafeteria, bouncing between clunky conversations, restless and turned inward, never landing on solid ground.
Then comes the shame. Why is everyone else normal and fun? Why can’t I just relax? What’s wrong with me?
It amazes me how many of my therapy clients have traumatic memories of school lunch. That’s where I, too, felt the most unwanted.
Ninth grade, packed tables, windowless room. Sitting off to the side near the bathrooms eating a floppy piece of lukewarm pizza. My one friend who had the same lunch period beside me. Both of us hoping the popular girls would look our direction. The girls who were beautiful, yes, but what mattered more was their social power. They could make you cool just by laughing at your jokes. If you were funny. If you could just lighten up.
I didn’t understand much about myself back then. What teenager does? Especially a teenage boy who felt like he didn’t belong anywhere except his room playing video games.
When I was young, I was so ashamed of being “shy” that I figured out that if I was a nice guy (not one of the “bad” ones), some girls would like me. It worked sometimes, but mostly it made me more anxious, awkward, and self-conscious.
I’ve since figured out—through voicing my heart, speaking it to someone, close friends, my therapist—that if I drop the act, not everyone is going to like me. But some people really will.
If you’re like me and feel like an outsider but desire connection, you’re not alone. Maybe you already know a way to express yourself and be seen, but if you don’t, get to work on figuring it out. Maybe it’s guitar or skating or making zines or cooking soups or fashion or building stuff.
If you’re older, think back to what used to fire you up and made you magnetic to others.
Not everyone is going to like you, and that’s alright. But some people are really going to get you and like what they see. Which took me a while to figure out is all I ever wanted.